"Boundaries
in Dating"
by
Dr. Henry Cloud (Author), Dr. John Townsend (Author)
A must-read
in today's dating scene. This is a great book
[Boundaries
in Dating] If I try to tell you all the reasons why, I'll just end
up copying it word for word. So I will attempt to highlight a few of the
book's strengths. First, I liked that it doesn't make dating bad ipso facto.
A lot of dating is sketch in this day & age but dating in and of itself
is not, and can, in fact, be good. The authors, who are both Christian
psychologists, illustrate how dating is a helpful aid in the marriage discernment
process, and how at the same time, it can be a tool for our own personal
spiritual growth.
It is balanced between evaluating the person you are dating and evaluating
your own character and what you bring to the relationship. It is sometimes
tempting for Christians to seek perfection in a date/future spouse, but the
authors help the readers to refocus their sights on righteousness, not
perfection, reminding us that we need to take the logs out of our own eyes
before we deal with the specks in others.
The book is nicely organized into 4 parts: You and Your Boundaries, Whom
Should I Date?, Solving Dating Problems: When You're Part of the Problem,
and Solving Dating Problems: When Your Date Is the Problem. As an added bonus,
there are Take-Away Tips at the end of every chapter that summarize the main
points just outlined.
I know for my part that this book has helped me understand past relationships,
as well as discern for the future. It is a welcome antidote to the prevailing
theories of love, sex, and relationships. I recommend it without
reservation.~Katie
Click Boundaries in Dating to get your copy today!
Book Description
Between singleness and marriage lies the journey
of dating. Want to make your road as smooth as possible? Set and maintain
healthy boundaries -- boundaries that will help you grow in freedom, honesty,
and self-control. If many of your dating experiences have been difficult,
Boundaries in Dating could revolutionize the way you handle relationships.
And even if you’re doing well, the insights you'll gain from his much-needed
book can help you fine-tune or even completely readjust important areas of
your dating life. Written by the authors of the best-selling book Boundaries,
Boundaries in Dating is your road map to the kind of enjoyable, rewarding
dating that can take you from weekends alone to a lifetime with the soul
mate you've longed for.
From the Publisher Dating can be fun, but it's not easy. Meeting
people is just one concern. Once you've met someone, then what? What do you
build? Nothing, a simple friendship, or more? How do you set smart limits
on physical involvement? Financial involvement? Individual responsibilities?
Respected counselors, popular radio hosts, and best-selling authors Henry
Cloud and John Townsend apply the principles described in their Gold Medallion
Award-winning Boundaries to matters of love and romance. Helping readers
bridge the pitfalls of dating, Boundaries in Dating unfolds a wise,
biblical path to developing self-control, freedom, and intimacy in the dating
process. Boundaries in Dating helps singles to think, solve problems,
and enjoy the benefits of dating to the hilt, increasing their abilities
to find and commit to a marriage partner. Liberally illustrated with insightful,
true-life examples, this much-needed book includes such topics as: Sins You
Can Live With--Recognizing and choosing quality over perfection in a dating
partner - Don't Fall in Love with Someone You Wouldn't Be Friends With--How
to ensure that honest friendship is one vital component in a relationship
- Don't Screw Up a Friendship Out of Loneliness--Preserving friendships by
separating between platonic relationships and romantic interest - Kiss False
Hope Good-Bye--Moving past denial to deal with real relational problems in
a realistic and hopeful way . . . and much more.
READER'S COMMENTS ON Boundaries in Dating
This book was life changing. Coming out
of an abusive situation which led to a divorce, I knew I needed help if I
were ever to marry again! I figured that it was best to figure out why the
abuse happened, as well as what I had done wrong in my choice of mate. This
book was SO insightful that I wish it had been in print before my first marriage.
As it happens, I got into a dating relationship much sooner than I had expected.
I had figured that I needed at LEAST 2 years to regroup before even planning
to begin dating again. "Fate" had other plans. I got into a very bizarre
and abusive dating relationship with a man who was unlike anyone I had ever
known in that he manipulated me, lied, and had the gall to accuse me of trying
to control him! Soon I began to feel those awful, trapped feelings from before.
I kept trying to step back and just slow things down (since he wanted to
date me AND someone else at the same time and I happen to think one should
be patient enough to date only one person at a time for the sake of other
people's feelings). Part of the reason it felt so exhausting was the way
he would talk about really wanting to marry me and then in the next breath
tell me about a date he planned with the other gal he was just starting to
see. When I challenged him about the hypocrisy and cruelty of playing with
my feelings, he would accuse me of being controlling. When I tried to just
be "coffee friends" until he decided how he felt about the other gal, he
would accuse me of being controlling and not wanting the best for his son
and himself. God had to finally wrest him away from me by having him dump
me without telling me and then find out in a month or so that he was planning
to marry yet a different gal in 4 months. Praise God for His mercy AND for
THIS BOOK!
After the fact I read this book and it was like a bolt of lightning sending
me back to reality. NO, it hadn't been wrong for me to tell him how I only
felt comfortable dating one person at a time and only dating people who felt
the same way. YES, I had been right to be bothered by the "little" lies he
told me about his whereabouts. And YES, I was really wrong to have felt so
desperate that I was so unattractive and getting old so fast (at 44--LOL)
that I was not taking the time to think things through and to insist on an
equal footing in our relationship.
I have given a copy of this book to several people, including to my own handsome
but single sons:) One of them only barely escaped from a very controlling
girl when she began to press him to change his college plans and get married
a year early, before graduating from college and before having a very clear
idea of what first job he wanted to pursue! He feels SO free having applied
the principles of this book
[Boundaries
in Dating].
My story has a happy ending in that several months after the end of that
nutty relationship I met a very honest, polite, considerate, generous, kind,
affectionate, hard working man who just adores me:) It was a whirlwind romance,
but the RIGHT kind. We are coming up on our 4th wedding anniversary and the
5th anniversary of our first email and first date. God is good and this book
is the kind of great advice one would hope to get from BOTH one's mother
and father (if one were smart enough to LISTEN to them--LOL).
I recommend this as essential, insightful reading for guys and gals from
age 12 to age 100! If you follow these guidelines I can almost guarentee
that you will NEVER get yourself into another abusive relationship. Just
make sure that YOU are the same kind of person that the book discusses so
that you may bless your date as well as he/she may bless you! Happy dating:)
This is ALSO a great book for picking out your friends! These authors have
written several other great books such as Changes That Heal, Boundaries,
Boundaries in Marriage, Boundaries With Children, and a book which I think
is called 12 Things That Can Drive You Crazy. God bless you!
~S.C.
Safeguarding the sacred soul of self and others. This book, now abridged in audio, cuts to the heart of relationship issues. Fundamentally, in relationships, many problems surfacing years into the future, can be prevented by focusing in on our own and our prospective mate/date's spiritual character and ability to grow. This book tackles the fundamental reason that many relationships do not suceed, a failure to establish the boundaries that safeguard the most precious soul. It is a book to give, to read and to ponder, about valuing the self and others as sacred creations.~Melanie
Dr. Cloud's
book is excellent! He uses easygoing conversational language that keeps the
reading light. I am reading and discussing this title with my girlfriend
and it has led to some fun/interesting conversations. Through sharing this
book we have learned much about each other, grown individually and grown
as a couple.
The author also uses caring language and helps you understand mistakes you
may have made or continue to make in relationships. Dr. Cloud may confirm
your thoughts and leanings or give you better and newer understanding of
why we do what we do in our dating relationships.
~Daniel
I was sort
of peeved that I didn't read this book sooner, definately could have helped
me avoid so many relational disasters. Some parts of the book were painful
but oh so necessary to read. It helped me make real changes in my thinking
and behavior and gave me a terrific insight into what to look for in those
I date.
I read and RE-read so much of this book, it's pages are dog-eared. You won't
regret buying this one. It helped me greatly. I'm now happily married and
my husband and I both read this book prior to finding each other. Needless
to say, we had much to talk about when we did finally meet and this book
was at the center of it.~Fena
RE:
Boundaries
in Dating
I should have read it sooner. As a Christian man who got involved closely
with two psychopathic women, I also understand that dating is a two way street.
This book, more than a handful fo times, showed where not only I was wrong
but where I should have also put up some boundaries in order to save myself
some frustrations and heartaches.
Keep in mind that this book is from a very Christian perspective, so only
read it if you plan on treating your women right, with the value they deserve,
and not like some ghetto-slaving gutter-skank.~Christopher
RE:
Boundaries
in Dating
Challenged pretty much everything I thought about dating! Excellent Book.
I read their other book "How to get a date worth keeping" first. That totally
did a paradigm shift for me on dating. This book really goes into explaing
why dating relationships go bad and how to identify the warning signs and
how and when to confront a dating partner and what issues are central to
a healthy dating relationship. A super good book. You will understand what
it means to have a healthy dating relationship. These concepts can be used
in a marriage also. If you want a healthy real dating relationship, this
book is the one to get. I've had a number of my friends read both books and
we love them both!!!~Kevin
RE:
Boundaries
in Dating
Huge help! I am divorced and did not want to go through the same pain again.
Yet, I knew I wanted to love, be loved and have a family someday. I went
to counseling to deal with the hurt and become emotionally healthy. But I
found that in dating sometimes I stayed with someone because it stroked my
ego. This book really helped me to put dating in the right perspective and
think about it holistically. It has also helped me to get to know my boyfriend
in a deeper, more meaningful way than I have ever known a man. I am now able
to bring faith into dating relationships. I also know the questions to ask
and the type of dialogue that is important to have.~Leann
RE:
Boundaries
in Dating
Read it...and Read it again. There is no doubt dating can be many things.
Fun, joyous, and a time of growing, but it can also be painfull, awekward,
and confusing.
While reading this book and applying the principles laid out inside won't
make a dater's life perfect it will give someone who is(or will be) dating
a great guide to help avoid the many pitfalls of dating relationships.
Really, though many of these principles can be used in all relatinhips.
To me, as a Chritian single man, I found this book priceless!
~Brian
This book is great. The bible says a something
about a city without walls or a person with no restraint is like a city without
walls, that can be easily beseiged.or in other words any one can just come
in and out of your ife and reeck havoc. This book gave me the courage to
stand for what i always knew i wanted in a relationship but was afraid of
loosing the person if i said anything. i always thought i would be the one
loosing out but instead i have discovered that is it was a test of my love
for the other person, causing me to have the courage to face the truth of
the situation and hold my ground, while still respecting the other person
in love and a spirit of truth.
God used this book for me to want the best for the other person inspite of
the discomfort i was feeling denying my flesh from getting its way. Or should
i say from doing the things i had always done which ended up no where. My
flesh was fighting this new thing, this new method. it was a fight, it hurt
but i made it by the grace of God and i see how God was protecting me all
the way as well. It really allowed me to love my self enough and not inflict
self harm to my heart pretending or in some cases ignoring the facts coz
of fear of being alone. By the grace of God i tackled and confronted things
i would have just buried and become bitter about. i feel so free and i really
feel like i deserve true love and an honest relationshop because i have set
the tone for how i want the relatioship i will be in, to be. i hope this
review helps you. The book keeps it real and is well balanced, just like
Jesus is
GOD TAUGHT ME, THAT WHAT IS BEST FOR THE MAN I LOVE NOW WILL BE BEST FOR
ME IN THE LONG RUN. This temporary discomfort cant compare to the joy we
will share because of the boudaries we put up not to hinder us but to protect
us.~Mwansa
Dating is about relationship development.
I recommend this book to singles that I counsel. In today's culture, developing
a healthy relationship with the opposite sex is vital. I have counselled
too many young people that have ignored the Biblical requirements for healthy
relating and suffer hurtful or harmful consequences. If you are single -
read this book. If you have a son or daughter ready to date or actively dating
- share it with her or him. In fact, read it together and discuss the
content.~Friedrich
RE:
Boundaries
in Dating
A must read for dating and intimate relationships! You might ask yourself,
I have heard this word boundary, but I do not know what it means. Boundaries
are often mentioned in terms of relationships. Boundaries are a simple concept,
but they can vary from person to person. Boundaries essentially keep the
good stuff on the inside and the bad stuff on the outside. In the book Making
Dating Work Boundaries in Dating, Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend discuss
boundaries at length.
Now, I just mentioned that everyone has boundaries whether they realize them
or not, and they are meant to keep the good stuff on the inside, and the
bad stuff on the outside. Now boundaries can keep the good people close to
you, and the people that will hurt you away. Think of boundaries as an invisible
property line around yourself, and that those boundaries should keep the
good things in, and protect you from things you do not want in.
Examples of violations of your person boundaries include: the loss of freedom
of oneself, being with the wrong person, control issues, the inability to
say no, doing too much within the relationship at the expense of yourself.
Boundaries are your beliefs and ideals that make you especially unique.
Infringing upon your boundaries only serves to make you an unhappy person.
How do you know what your personal boundaries are? You need to know yourself.
Shakespeare said "To thine own self be true." You do need to know what is
important to you. What qualities do you like in yourself, and want from others.
For example if you value honestly, being with someone that is not honest
will not make you happy in the long term. You will need to be strong enough
in your personal character to eliminate people who do not exhibit honestly
in their words and in their actions.
Now looking at just you being honest with yourself requires some homework
on your part to acknowledge what is important to you, for you to be willing
to uphold your ideas, and then you must communicate your ideals to others.
You need to communicate your expectations about a relationship clearly. When
that other person may violate your expectations you need to be willing to
discuss these ideas head on, and if need be you need to be willing to set
that relationship free.
Boundaries are really meant to protect you. They are meant to keep you happy,
and safe in relationships, whether these are friendships or relationships
that may go further. You do have some ownership in knowing what things are
important to you, they may be honestly, personal character, not using drugs
and or alcohol. Once you know where your standards are you can communicate
these to others and position yourself around people that will not violate
your personal boundaries.
In addition to this book, I also recomment their other book Boundaries, and
the workbook to go along with the text. Their topics are so insightful and
do a marvelous job of explaining what boundaries are, how to set them, and
how to tell others where are boundaries lie.~Stephanie
This is one
of the best books that I have read concerning christian dating. Some books
are too theoretical and some too practical without much bible reference.
This book plays a nice balance between both.
It stimulates a lot of thinking on how we should handle a relationship. There
are always good and bad things that we will encounter in a relationship.
By quoting relevant bible verses/promises, it gives solid ground on where
we should put our boundaries for the goodness of the couple.
Very easy reading, worth the time to gain good perspective about one's
relationship. ~Chan
RE:
Boundaries
in Dating
For those seriously waiting Patiently for their true love. Wow, it took me
two weeks to finish this book [and that's reading it every day!!] - why?
I had to read some lines over and over until they fully sunk in .. that's
the type of book it is, so full of wisdom and jewels .. I wish I had it for
all my past relationships! BUT the good thing is that I am fully prepared
and would do well in any 'serious' relationship and MARRIAGE that I am to
commit to - I can't wait to find someone that has GOOD CHARACTER as is willing
to work on being a life mate and to please God ... wow! a MUST HAVE for anyone
ready for a life time commitment!~A Kid's Review
RE:
Boundaries
in Dating
I was afarid to read this one.because in this day and age who's setting aside
boundaries? CHRISTIANS!! It really spoke to me and showed me all my past
errors and how i am able to overcome them.
I also learned: when you set boundaries you can tell who's into you and who's
not. ~Nakomiah
These guys are Christian, have been there, and know the pitfalls of dating and how to avoid them. Great teaching on life, let alone dating. How do detect safe and unsafe people to date is super advice, and turn it around and see how you need to change to be safe. I did. They give a short criticism of 'kissing dating goodbye' which is right on and I wish more would realize.~Donald
This book is a good reminder of all those
"common sense" rules we should use in dating, but also brought up new ideas
for me to think about. I certainly recommend this to anyone regardless of
their dating situation or religious background. A lot of these principals
carry over to every day life, too (honesty, thinking of other's needs, putting
yourself first in a healthy manner, and friendship). This is certainly one
of those books I will read more than once over the years and refer back to
very easily. It's written very simply and gets right to the point.~A Reader
RE:
Boundaries
in Dating
FABULOUS!! My family raved about "Boundaries In Marriage" (also written by
the same authors as this book). I had never heard of the series before, but
thought I would give this "dating" book a try. I have never spent so much
time taking notes, (I didn't get the workbook and should have... but just
ordered it) and highlighting things. It gave me a new sense of depth... for
myself and for future relationships. It also ensured current beliefs and
brought me to new levels that I otherwise wouldn't have obtained on my own.
Though this book is based on the reader being Christian, the general idea
is great for everyone... Christian or not!~J
RE:
Boundaries
in Dating
A Must Read for Singles of All Ages. This book focuses on areas of dating
that many do not and have not explored. I particularly enjoyed the various
scenarios in which the principles were applied. You may not realize that
you have an issue with dating boundaries until you read this book and realize
there are areas you have not considered as boundaries. It is one of the best
guides for dating and single life that I have read.~A Reader
RE:
Boundaries
in Dating
Thank You Drs. Cloud and Townsend. My Christian teenage daugher has many
Christain friends who have bought TOTALLY into the book "I Kissed Dating
Goodbye" by Josh Harris. One of them gave the book to her in order (I think)
to set her straight. She is a very bright, fun, thoughtful young lady who
has dated and had some very good experiences with it and also rough experiences.
She and I both read the book and discussed it together. It left her very
distressed. She was made to feel like dating was a sin and yet, she couldn't
really understand (Biblically) why. I, too, was very bothered by the legalistic
approach of that book.
I went in search of a resource to clarify things for both my daughter and
myself. I found this book and read it first before giving it to my daughter
(no need to set her up for more confusion!) This book gives a wonderful and
clear outline on the purposes and values of dating. It is biblically-based
and sound in its information. My daughter is about halfway through reading
it and as we discuss it, she is constantly saying, "now this makes sense".
I especially appreciate the empasis placed on the issue of maturity in dating
and how God can use dating (if done within His boundaries) to grow her into
a mature Christian woman who will have the ability to make a wise decision
when the time comes for her to marry.
She plans to share this book with all of her friends!~Marie B.
RE:
Boundaries
in Dating
Helpful Hints for Successful Dating. Boundaries in dating is a very good
book. It provides many examples of problems in relationships and how they
are worked out. This book gives good evidence to support dating, but it also
gives good reasons when dating should be put off. It helps people in
relationships to get through conflicts, and it helps others avoid conflicts
in future relationships. This book is a great guide for those who are looking
to start better relationships with new people, and those who are looking
to give their old relationship a new start. I really enjoyed this book and
I thought it was very helpful. I learned a lot about dating, and how certain
problems in a relationship might be my fault instead of my partners. I recommend
this book to every male and female, single or not. It will answer many questions
about conflicts and boundaries in dating today.~Tiffany
Read
more
or order your copy of
"Boundaries
in
Dating"
today!
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